Someecards

Writing for Someecards in their dry, “true humor” style:

         

May you enjoy Halloween as much as the furry fetish community.

 

My leaving New York essay would be written on parking tickets.

 

Thanks for not shouting in person as much as your ALL CAPS TEXTS.

 

Congrats on being alone with your thoughts on the toilet after your phone died.

 

Here’s to being less dead on the inside than our plants are on the outside.

 

Nothing feels as awkward as accidentally sending an email exactly on an hour.

 

My deepest condolences that your ex keeps haunting all the best Halloween parties.

 

I’m celebrating National Lazy Day by sending you a pre-written message.

 

Here’s to giving up on laundry and never changing clothes like cartoon characters.

 

I love falling asleep to rainstorms because it’s so relaxing to think of bugs drowning.

 

Thanks for hoping I wouldn’t notice your typos instead of flooding my inbox with corrections.

 

My favorite vitamin is the placebo effect.

 

Death will be a good reminder to take vitamins.

 

Let’s get a beer to figure out how all our money is spent on alcohol.

 

I’m in that awkward in-between phase of life where I don’t get to wear diapers.

 

My love language is buying you burritos.

 

Thanks for liking me online while we hang out in person.

 

Congrats on validating your opinions with a group of like-minded people.

 

Let’s use our imminent layoffs to motivate ourselves to quit.

 

All the cropped variations in your profile picture album are as awkward as me looking through them.

 

My idea of being put together is wearing matching socks.

 

Congrats on taking a break from watching TV shows to watch a TV awards show.

 

I’d like to thank the Emmys for filling me with anxiety about all the shows I still need to watch.

 

Thanks for celebrating National Girlfriend Day again so I don’t have to attend another wedding this year.

 

Sorry your tastes got a promotion above your income.

 

My SPF protection is the office.

 

I hope your roommates are excited that we’ve reached the walking-around-naked stage of our relationship.

 

I regret to inform you I will not be attending your party if there’s a guitar and people who think they can play guitar.

 

We can hold hands if they’re lathered in sanitizer.

 

Good luck approaching meditation with all the aggression of a blood sport.

 

I judge you more for being grammatically correct than correct.

 

If you think I’m a hot mess, you haven’t seen my ugly cry.

 

Sorry I only stare at the little window of myself during our video calls.

 

I wish my hangover would observe World Peace Day.

 

Happy National White Wine Day to someone who’s pretty terrible when they’re not chill AF.

 

It’s so adorable how you’re terrified of crashing on a plane instead of in a car.

 

Happy National Video Games Day to someone who’s mastered all sorts of complex worlds except the real one.

 

I’d complain about your Girl’s/Boy’s Night Out being gender normative, but I really don’t want to go.

 

Thanks for understanding your typos are as annoying as my compulsion to correct them.

 

I don’t let my little knowledge of wine interfere with my ability to drink it.

 

I’m deeply concerned by your lack of online activity.

 

Thanks for giving me a business card to add to my collection in the trash.

 

My longest relationship was with a string of first dates.

 

I’m celebrating National Lazy Day by responding to any emails in a month.

 

It’s easy to find my keys when you’re the one looking for them.

 

May your crippling fear of public speaking never interfere with your ability to win an award.

 

Thanks for supporting my performance-based lifestyle with all of your likes.

 

Congrats on confronting your roommate by sending a super long email from the next room.

 

My only self-care regimen is a multi-step hangover cure.

 

Congrats on finally getting the hang of military time after you’re too old to be in the military.

BOUT GAME

The first app from CollegeHumor — an extremely addicting photo game

2 sides to it: Submit photos to your friends’ challenges, and friends submit photos to your challenges

To start your challenge, you choose from 3 random ones — I wrote over a thousand of these.

Completed “Bouts” appear in the game feed:

A sample of more I wrote:

something Lincoln probably hid in his hat

proof that “artisinal” has gone too far

how to liven up a court appearance

nothin that chocolate can’t fix

your “in memoriam” photo

a tax write-off

a gateway drug to reading

something you wish there was an emoji for on your phone

the only job better than driving the zamboni

why you’re jealous of the opposite sex

disappointing to find at the end of a rainbow

something that will eventually be done by a robot

a funny weapon for a first-person-shooter game

an icebreaker in an elevator

something that’d look oddly profound on an album cover

cause for a “roommate meeting”

might make a vegetarian reconsider

abort! abort! abort!

your hockey penalty box face

something good as currency in jail

would be sweet as a giant ice scultpure

aliens might think this has religious meaning

why old age is gonna be amazing

remove this from your hot air balloon if it’s sinking

something parkour people would parkour

airport security secretly loves to confiscate this

a strange “exhibit A” in a murder trial

something that should never be bedazzled

if only they could see you now

more of a threat than North Korea

you’re not sure why you own this

ordinary but you bring it to life through the magic of song 

something single girls own

your undercover-in-the-mob face

something better when marathoned

what you’re hoping will fall from the sky

something Bobby Knight would enjoy throwing

much more appropriate for you to swear an oath on

a vacuum’s worst nightmare

your ”hand model” pose

something you’d easily be bribed with

an Instagrammer magnet

something inanimate that you’ve named

what the Amish aren’t missing out on

something you always forget

the first body part you’d sacrifice

something Europeans love more than you do

won’t be playing Carnegie anytime soon

something they should put in vending machines

your idea of romance

something you have no clue how it works

a plot device in a romantic comedy

ask your doctor if it’s right for you

something that represents a turning point in your life

a contagious yawn

something you secretly enjoy the advertising for

twinsies!

something that should stay out of the scrapbook

you’re tempted to keep a portrait of this in your wallet

your cryogenically-frozen-for-the-future face

something you tend to hoard

something that shouldn’t be a prize in a cereal box

should be an olympic sport

a surefire way to ruin a first date

a requirement as written in your contract so deal with it

might be an extra from Game of Thrones

clothing you’d like to be buried in

something that can’t be taught

how to make a problem go away

an unorthodox toy for a bubble bath

-Gizmodo App of the Day
-Featured in Fast Company and Laughing Squid

Even Novak got hooked: