Writing for Someecards in their dry, “true humor” style:




I’m finally a “Toys ‘R’ Us Kid” in that I’m bankrupt.


May you enjoy Halloween as much as the furry fetish community.


My leaving New York essay would be written on parking tickets.


Thanks for not shouting in person as much as your ALL CAPS TEXTS.


Congrats on being alone with your thoughts on the toilet after your phone died.


Here’s to being less dead on the inside than our plants are on the outside.


Nothing feels as awkward as accidentally sending an email exactly on an hour.


My deepest condolences that your ex keeps haunting all the best Halloween parties.


I’m celebrating National Lazy Day by sending you a pre-written message.


Here’s to giving up on laundry and never changing clothes like cartoon characters.


I love falling asleep to rainstorms because it’s so relaxing to think of bugs drowning.


Thanks for hoping I wouldn’t notice your typos instead of flooding my inbox with corrections.


My favorite vitamin is the placebo effect.


Death will be a good reminder to take vitamins.


Let’s get a beer to figure out how all our money is spent on alcohol.


I’m in that awkward in-between phase of life where I don’t get to wear diapers.


My love language is buying you burritos.


Thanks for liking me online while we hang out in person.


Congrats on validating your opinions with a group of like-minded people.


Let’s use our imminent layoffs to motivate ourselves to quit.


All the cropped variations in your profile picture album are as awkward as me looking through them.


My idea of being put together is wearing matching socks.


Congrats on taking a break from watching TV shows to watch a TV awards show.


I’d like to thank the Emmys for filling me with anxiety about all the shows I still need to watch.


Thanks for celebrating National Girlfriend Day again so I don’t have to attend another wedding this year.


Sorry your tastes got a promotion above your income.


My SPF protection is the office.


I hope your roommates are excited that we’ve reached the walking-around-naked stage of our relationship.


I regret to inform you I will not be attending your party if there’s a guitar and people who think they can play guitar.


We can hold hands if they’re lathered in sanitizer.


Good luck approaching meditation with all the aggression of a blood sport.


I judge you more for being grammatically correct than correct.


If you think I’m a hot mess, you haven’t seen my ugly cry.


Sorry I only stare at the little window of myself during our video calls.


I wish my hangover would observe World Peace Day.


Happy National White Wine Day to someone who’s pretty terrible when they’re not chill AF.


It’s so adorable how you’re terrified of crashing on a plane instead of in a car.


Happy National Video Games Day to someone who’s mastered all sorts of complex worlds except the real one.


I’d complain about your Girl’s/Boy’s Night Out being gender normative, but I really don’t want to go.


Thanks for understanding your typos are as annoying as my compulsion to correct them.


I don’t let my little knowledge of wine interfere with my ability to drink it.


I’m deeply concerned by your lack of online activity.


Thanks for giving me a business card to add to my collection in the trash.


My longest relationship was with a string of first dates.


I’m celebrating National Lazy Day by responding to any emails in a month.


It’s easy to find my keys when you’re the one looking for them.


May your crippling fear of public speaking never interfere with your ability to win an award.


Thanks for supporting my performance-based lifestyle with all of your likes.


Congrats on confronting your roommate by sending a super long email from the next room.


My only self-care regimen is a multi-step hangover cure.


Congrats on finally getting the hang of military time after you’re too old to be in the military.