Originally published in Vulture Comedy

Marginally Attractive Men in Milwaukee
Do you live in Milwaukee? Do you consider yourself a man who’s at least marginally attractive? Then this podcast is for you! Okay, we know that’s wildly specific, but that’s just the type of zany fun you’ll find in our hour-long episodes where we only discuss the guy stuff that’s important to us marginally attractive Milwaukeeans!

Just Michael F. Richardsons
In each episode, Michael F. Richardson in Chicago phone interviews ANOTHER person named Michael F. Richardson from somewhere around the world. It’s niche podcasting at its finest! Or dumbest? We don’t know! But if you’re a member of the MFR community, you’ll surely want to listen in on this exploration of what it means to be a MFR living in America, plus all the latest MFR news.

Lisa & Megan & All of Mike’s Exes
Dating Mike Richardson of Milwaukee, Wisconsin is the worst when it’s not the best. Hear all the ups and downs of being in a relationship with “shy” Mikey from the women (and possibly men?) from his past. Lisa and Megan dish all the details from their long-term romances, and surprise guest appearances from crazy college hook-ups teach us how he’s matured since his days in Madison…in and out of the bedroom!

What Did Michael Do in the Dark?
On June 15, 2011, Michael Richardson left his Milwaukee home at 2:25 a.m. and didn’t return until dawn. Where did he go? What did he do? In this 10-part real-life thriller, we’ll attempt to answer all the unsolved questions about his very mysterious night with comprehensive interviews, surveillance footage, and eyewitness reports. We can only hope that Michael hears this podcast someday and finally puts all the theories to rest.

Mike Makes Mistakes
From the “erection speech” to getting on that faulty ski lift, Michael Richardson has had quite a few lapses in judgment over his lifetime. Join renowned behavioral psychologist Dr. Kershov in a weekly study of this man’s problematic existence.

Sick BeatZ From MiKey’s Heart
Infuse your afternoons with the hottest rhythms and beats from the Berlin underground, remixed from MiKey’s morning run heart rate monitor. Hacked and hosted by LarZ and Bip. PuLSe. BoP. DaNCE.

Michael Dreamscapes: The Recap Show
Each morning, listen to a new episode recapping all of Mike’s subconscious happenings not transferred to memory. What went down and what does it all mean? Check back daily for fascinating interpretations and analysis.

This Is How You Will Die Mike
Not a fan of spoilers? Then steer clear of this podcast that lays out in exacting detail the final months and events leading up to the end.

Originally published in Points in Case

In order to allow our company’s pop-up confirmshaming to get right to the point, we have dropped all pretense in our online buttons.

Join Wow Airlines $9 Fare Club?
[Yes] [No, I don’t want to save because I’m irresponsible with money]

Switch to the latest version of Gmail on your phone?
[Yes, I want it] [No, I don’t want smarter email because my dumb little brain can’t adapt to change]

Start your 30-day free Audible membership?
[Yes please!] [No, I thought my slow reading speed was what kept me away from books, but your easy-to-consume audio format made me realize I’m just an uncultured monster]

Stay on top of the entertainment industry with Variety’s breaking news alerts?
[Sign up] [I’ll get the news late. It’ll be so late that in-the-know people will be like, “Why’s that loser bringing up stuff we talked about before this sentence? Someone kick them out before we all have sex and give each other jobs because we’re all so on top of entertainment industry news.”]

You’ve read your last complimentary article. Try 3 months free?
[Try it] [No, I’m incapable of lasting human connections and don’t mind telling people I can’t read their links, which are probably their final attempts to bond over our mutual interests and will effectively end all my longest friendships]

Want Amazon to donate to your favorite charity at no cost to you?
[Yes, pick a charity] [No thanks, even though it only takes a few seconds and you’ll take me right back to this page and countless others have proven their capacity for human empathy by donating $89,030,554 to charity so far, I’m a horrible human being and you should go ahead and piss on my face like the garbage I am]

Remain on Facebook or delete your account after death?
[Stay on Facebook] [Permanently remove all of my info, photos, and posts from Facebook after my death, making it so no one will be able to see my Profile again or ever remember that I was a person who existed]

Sign up to never miss out on our latest deals?
[Subscribe] [No thanks, I’m already subscribed. There’s absolutely zero possibility that I would simply not want to be subscribed. I hate missing out and need those freakin deals baby! And since we’ve established that I want to be subscribed, I must be here to select that other beautiful button to subscribe for the first time or subscribe a new email address so it can also be subscribed. The only thing that would really be pointless is for me to come here and inform you with this button that I’m already subscribed like some sort of weirdo.]

Get cookin’ with our pasta recipe newsletter?
[Sign me up!] [I’m a terrorist]

Originally published in National Lampoon

Any deviation from these exact answers during the blind tasting exam will disqualify potential candidates, revealing them to be mere Master Sommeliers or less, and lacking the almighty abilities required for the position of Kanye’s God-Level Sommelier.

Wine 1
SIGHT:
Close your eyes and let the word paint a thousand pictures.
NOSE:
A medium plus intensity of aromas. Clean. Youthful. An Olympic gymnast’s lost childhood.
PALATE:
Old French oak in a new penthouse apartment. Butter. Vanilla. Hints of coconut from a middle-aged farmer with rheumatoid arthritis.
CONCLUSIONS:
A vintage since Prince was on Apollonia. Since O.J. had Isotoners. This is a Northern Rhone Valley Condrieu Viognier.

Wine 2
SIGHT:
Star bright. Extra bright. Cop lights, flash lights, spot lights, strobe lights, street lights. ALL OF THE LIGHTS. ALL OF THE LIGHTS.
NOSE:
Super Limey. Crisp. Fresh cut grass. An even fresher Don C Snapback.
PALATE:
Delightful. The joy of discovering all the pockets in a new mink fur jacket. No signs of oak.
CONCLUSIONS:
No one man should have all this power. Wine two is a 2007 Sonoma County Sauvignon Blanc. Moderate Climate.

Wine 3
SIGHT:
This is a God dream. We on an ultralight beam. A light straw core, with what appears to be consistent to golden grain reflections in the edge.
NOSE:
Honey. UH-HUH HONEY. Slightly oxidized peach. Bound to fall in love.
PALATE:
Acid is medium plus. Crushed hillside notes. Crushed slate. Crushed screams from the haters.
CONCLUSIONS:
Got a ass that’ll swallow up a G-string. And up top, unh…Two bee stings. And I’m beasting. Off the Riesling. Clare Valley 2011.

Wine 4
SIGHT:
All black everything.
NOSE:
Hand-stitched Nappa leather. Clean. Thoroughly inspected.
PALATE:
Hits you with 612 lb-ft of torque, then a metallic ash and black piano lacquer finish. Completely inedible.
CONCLUSIONS:
Wine four is a black Mercedes-Maybach S600 aged less than 1 year. Assembled at the Sindelfingen auto plant in Germany. High quality producer.

Wine 5
SIGHT:
Unh, this that prom shit. Low viscosity.
NOSE:
Black cherries and smoke. Powerful. The urge to peak at the last sentence of a novel.
PALATE:
Soft tannins. Very smooth. A perfectly timed stride into a revolving door. Full-bodied and high alcohol.
CONCLUSIONS:
The clock’s ticking, I just count the hours. And the 3-5 years of this vintage. Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon.

Wine 6
SIGHT:
Unparalleled levels of brilliance.
NOSE:
Opulent. Sittin’ courtside. Wifey on the other side.
PALATE:
Expressive and complex. Like a two thousand dollar bag with no cash in your purse. Couples with extreme height disparity. Limestone minerality.
CONCLUSIONS:
In a French-ass restaurant. Hurry up with my damn croissants. I am a god. I am a god. I am a god.

Originally published in National Lampoon

The FedEx Immersive Apartment
Feel like you’re actually there as a FedEx delivery person knocks on your door and has you sign for a package.

Snickers You’re Not You When You’re Hungry VR Experience
Wait in a line for 8 hours for no clear reason as a guy named Fred from Phoenix.

The Got Milk? No Milk Effect
Go door-to-door in a suburban neighborhood and discover everyone is out of milk, die of dehydration.

The Staples Easy VR Simulator
Spend a day in an office accomplishing menial tasks at your desk as “That Was Easy!” randomly booms over a loudspeaker.

You’re In Good Hands With Allstate 360°
Look around at the giant hands that hold you. They’re slightly sweaty, and warmer than you’d probably like, but overall pretty nice.

The Rubbermaid Container Thanksgiving Leftovers Experience
Envelop yourself in the mild stimulation of sorting all the uneaten food from an extended family gathering into dozens of Rubbermaid containers.

VR Miller Time
Instantly transport yourself to a 5 p.m. happy hour surrounded by business-casual workers making small talk in a too-loud generic bar.

Disneyland: The Happiest Place In Virtual Reality
Explore an immaculately curated theme park filled with nonspeaking passersby wearing digitally-enhanced smiles.

360° Apple
Stay as long as possible in an infinite, all-white, formless environment until you become one with the brand’s core state of being (however long it takes).

Originally published in National Lampoon

Welcome to the premier showcase of humanity, transmitted across the universe to an audience of human-loving members of the interplanetary preservation society. As the robotic trainers walk out their Homo sapiens for the Best in Show session, keep the following characteristics in mind for any breed you’d like to have as your very own human pet.

Winner of the Harmless Group: The Suburban Dad

Exceedingly comfortable with his place in the world, the Suburban Dad requires minimal grooming and has a softly rotund midsection, resulting in the once-popular term, “dad bod.” And while he is exceptionally house trainable and domesticated, he can often be found out in the wild driving around listening to Steely Dan or shopping for tires for upwards of 3 hours.

Winner of the Dependability Group: The Basic Bitch

Highly reliable to the point of boring, the Basic Bitch loves routine and repetition. So be sure to stock up on Lululemon leggings as daily barre and spin classes are required to keep up her show-human physique. Mental stimulation isn’t necessary, but her happy and energetic attitude craves a steady diet of Starbucks, The Bachelor and positive reinforcement via social media likes.

Winner of the Tracking Group: The Internet Troll

A weak build makes this breed most at home on Reddit, Twitter and in YouTube comment sections where they can indulge their aggression from a completely stationary position. But what they lack in physical power, they more than make up for in stamina, as they are known to engage in prolonged chases, feeding on the anger they enrage in others. Early socialization is a must if you plan on having face-to-face interactions.

Winner of the Herding Group: The Bushwick Hipster

Lovers of irony, this breed demands a high level of maintenance to look casually unmaintained, and despite their general intelligence, they won’t respond when you call them by their name. If spotted at Whole Foods or other high-end grocers, they might not actually be a purebred hipster, but a professionally employed, mixed yupster breed.

Winner of the Agility Group: The Newly Retired Empty Nester

Birding, square dancing, and putting little ships in bottles are just a few of the
 surprising ways this breed occupies their newfound free time. Expect the unexpected. They also crave attention and companionship, responding to small interactions with a disproportionate amount of love. Great for all types of owners with available bandwidth.

Winner of the Untameable Group: The Dark & Mysterious Loner


This breed of loner is attracted to shadows and tends to go off sulking around corners, oftentimes only lured out of the darkness with motorcycle engine noises and lit cigarettes. Life with a Dark & Mysterious Loner is never dull, but it can be a challenge for unsuspecting first time owners as they’re hard to discipline and very unloyal.

Winner of the Endurance Group: The Rumored Witch

Can live as long as 900 years. Use a “trial by water” test for clearer indication of witchcraft.

UPDATE: Best in Show: The Suburban Dad

The Suburban Dad is the first ever Best in Show winner from the harmless group! And like past winners, he’s going to be a very in-demand prize human. Hopefully his flesh can handle it, as he’ll most likely be bred with an unending supply of dominatrices to create those ever-so-trendy Dad Bod Doms.

We hope you enjoyed The Westminster Human Show, brought to you by Alexa.

Originally published in Robot Butt

A sailboat? Seriously? A fucking sailboat? For the trillionth time, NO. I’m not some basic cloud looking like a banana or a sock. I’m a cloud that’s clearly taking the shape of the Hindenburg Disaster of 1937. How can you not see that?

You know the other clouds laughed at me when I said I was going to change the cloud game and learn all sorts of complex new shapes and forms. They said humans like simple shit and don’t want to be challenged. I thought they were underestimating your capacity for recognition, but I’m starting to think they might be right.

When that couple on the grass thought I looked like a swan, I thought it was pretty damn obvious I was a Susan B. Anthony coin on top of a refrigerator. When those hikers thought I was an umbrella, guess what? I was turn-of-the-century horse droppings on South Street in Philadelphia. Or when that little boy said, “Hey mom, look, it’s a zebra!”

I wanted to smack him across the face with my masterful protrusion, which wasn’t full of stupid stripes on some stupid zebra. It was the measurement marks on a wooden ruler attached to the men’s restroom key of a used bookstore.

And boy I must’ve been a fucking idiot when I started venturing into more abstract notions and concepts. When I was boldly developing new forms of cloud expression to give you tours de force like Pickpocket Awareness, An Infinite ‘Groundhog Day‘ Marathon on TBS, and Your Father-in-Law’s Hatred of Foreigners, you all thought I was a pom-pom, a duck and a lamp. And not a single day goes by without me still hearing those construction workers snickering about my resemblance to a penis, when in fact it was my magnum opus, The Uncertainty of Whether Someone Is in Costume.

I guess it’s time I quit lying to myself. The world simply isn’t ready for my gifts. Maybe a day will come when people start taking a closer look and my mastery will get the recognition it deserves. But until then, I’ll just be up here dumbing it down on some corner of the sky, looking like a boat or some shit.

From a tumblr I used to write where clouds were tired of being unrecognized so they just started spelling themselves out: