Some things I’ve written for National Lampoon:
The Westminster Human Show 2047
Originally published here
Welcome to the premier showcase of humanity, transmitted across the universe to an audience of human-loving members of the interplanetary preservation society. As the robotic trainers walk out their Homo sapiens for the Best in Show session, keep the following characteristics in mind for any breed you’d like to have as your very own human pet.
Winner of the Harmless Group: The Suburban Dad
Exceedingly comfortable with his place in the world, the Suburban Dad requires minimal grooming and has a softly rotund midsection, resulting in the once-popular term, “dad bod.” And while he is exceptionally house trainable and domesticated, he can often be found out in the wild driving around listening to Steely Dan or shopping for tires for upwards of 3 hours.
Winner of the Dependability Group: The Basic Bitch
Highly reliable to the point of boring, the Basic Bitch loves routine and repetition. So be sure to stock up on Lululemon leggings as daily barre and spin classes are required to keep up her show-human physique. Mental stimulation isn’t necessary, but her happy and energetic attitude craves a steady diet of Starbucks, The Bachelor and positive reinforcement via social media likes.
Winner of the Tracking Group: The Internet Troll
A weak build makes this breed most at home on Reddit, Twitter and in YouTube comment sections where they can indulge their aggression from a completely stationary position. But what they lack in physical power, they more than make up for in stamina, as they are known to engage in prolonged chases, feeding on the anger they enrage in others. Early socialization is a must if you plan on having face-to-face interactions.
Winner of the Herding Group: The Early Aughts Hipster
Lovers of irony, this breed demands a high level of maintenance to look casually unmaintained, and despite their general intelligence, they won’t respond when you call them by their name. If spotted at Whole Foods or other high-end grocers, they might not actually be a purebred hipster, but a professionally employed, mixed yupster breed.
Winner of the Agility Group: The Newly Retired Empty Nester
Birding, square dancing, and putting little ships in bottles are just a few of the surprising ways this breed occupies their newfound free time. Expect the unexpected. They also crave attention and companionship, responding to small interactions with a disproportionate amount of love. Great for all types of owners with available bandwidth.
Winner of the Untameable Group: The Dark & Mysterious Loner
This breed of loner is attracted to shadows and tends to go off sulking around corners, oftentimes only lured out of the darkness with motorcycle engine noises and lit cigarettes. Life with a Dark & Mysterious Loner is never dull, but it can be a challenge for unsuspecting first time owners as they’re hard to discipline and very unloyal.
Winner of the Endurance Group: The Rumored Witch
Can live as long as 900 years. Use a “trial by water” test for clearer indication of witchcraft.
UPDATE: Best in Show: The Suburban Dad
The Suburban Dad is the first ever Best in Show winner from the harmless group! And like past winners, he’s going to be a very in-demand prize human. Hopefully his flesh can handle it, as he’ll most likely be bred with an unending supply of dominatrices to create those ever-so-trendy Dad Bod Doms.
We hope you enjoyed The Westminster Human Show, brought to you by Alexa.
Answer Sheet For The Exam
Of Kanye’s God-Level Sommelier
Originally published here
Any deviation from these exact answers during the blind tasting exam will disqualify potential candidates, revealing them to be mere Master Sommeliers or less, and lacking the almighty abilities required for the position of Kanye’s God-Level Sommelier.
Close your eyes and let the word paint a thousand pictures.
A medium plus intensity of aromas. Clean. Youthful. An Olympic gymnast’s lost childhood.
Old French oak in a new penthouse apartment. Butter. Vanilla. Hints of coconut from a middle-aged farmer with rheumatoid arthritis.
A vintage since Prince was on Apollonia. Since O.J. had Isotoners. This is a Northern Rhone Valley Condrieu Viognier.
Star bright. Extra bright. Cop lights, flash lights, spot lights, strobe lights, street lights. ALL OF THE LIGHTS. ALL OF THE LIGHTS.
Super Limey. Crisp. Fresh cut grass. An even fresher Don C Snapback.
Delightful. The joy of discovering all the pockets in a new mink fur jacket. No signs of oak.
No one man should have all this power. Wine two is a 2007 Sonoma County Sauvignon Blanc. Moderate Climate.
This is a God dream. We on an ultralight beam. A light straw core, with what appears to be consistent to golden grain reflections in the edge.
Honey. UH-HUH HONEY. Slightly oxidized peach. Bound to fall in love.
Acid is medium plus. Crushed hillside notes. Crushed slate. Crushed screams from the haters.
Got a ass that’ll swallow up a G-string. And up top, unh…Two bee stings. And I’m beasting. Off the Riesling. Clare Valley 2011.
All black everything.
Hand-stitched Nappa leather. Clean. Thoroughly inspected.
Hits you with 612 lb-ft of torque, then a metallic ash and black piano lacquer finish. Completely inedible.
Wine four is a black Mercedes-Maybach S600 aged less than 1 year. Assembled at the Sindelfingen auto plant in Germany. High quality producer.
Unh, this that prom shit. Low viscosity.
Black cherries and smoke. Powerful. The urge to peak at the last sentence of a novel.
Soft tannins. Very smooth. A perfectly timed stride into a revolving door. Full-bodied and high alcohol.
The clock’s ticking, I just count the hours. And the 3-5 years of this vintage. Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon.
Unparalleled levels of brilliance.
Opulent. Sittin’ courtside. Wifey on the other side.
Expressive and complex. Like a two thousand dollar bag with no cash in your purse. Couples with extreme height disparity. Limestone minerality.
In a French-ass restaurant. Hurry up with my damn croissants. I am a god. I am a god. I am a god.
Unwanted Virtual Reality “Brand Experiences”
Originally published here
The FedEx Immersive Apartment
Feel like you’re actually there as a FedEx delivery person knocks on your door and has you sign for a package.
Snickers You’re Not You When You’re Hungry VR Experience
Wait in a line for 8 hours for no clear reason as a guy named Fred from Phoenix.
The Got Milk? No Milk Effect
Go door-to-door in a suburban neighborhood and discover everyone is out of milk, die of dehydration.
The Staples Easy VR Simulator
Spend a day in an office accomplishing menial tasks at your desk as “That Was Easy!” randomly booms over a loudspeaker.
You’re In Good Hands With Allstate 360°
Look around at the giant hands that hold you. They’re slightly sweaty, and warmer than you’d probably like, but overall pretty nice.
The Rubbermaid Container Thanksgiving Leftovers Experience
Envelop yourself in the mild stimulation of sorting all the uneaten food from an extended family gathering into dozens of Rubbermaid containers.
VR Miller Time
Instantly transport yourself to a 5 p.m. happy hour surrounded by business-casual workers making small talk in a too-loud generic bar.
Disneyland: The Happiest Place In Virtual Reality
Explore an immaculately curated theme park filled with nonspeaking passersby wearing digitally-enhanced smiles.
Stay as long as possible in an infinite, all-white, formless environment until you become one with the brand’s core state of being (however long it takes).
The VR Time Machine From RadioShack
Step into a RadioShack store circa 1985, where you’ve got 90 seconds to find an extremely specific female-to-male cable connector.
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