I wrote the Dos Equis Facebook Messenger account, which is a chatbot helping you cheat your way to a story worthy of the Nobel Prize in Literature and all your friends’ attention at the bar.
“Send message” to Dos Equis to try it out: Facebook.com/DosEquis
It’s currently banned from all StorySlam competitions and MasterClass says it “completely ruins the hard work of storytelling”.
Each story is written so whatever’s entered or selected for the Mad-lib style variables flow well enough to be funny:
I’m not a hopeless romantic. I’m a/n _adjective_ romantic, a term that’s become widespread after an author I met at _place_ couldn’t get me out of their head and filled their entire next book with the word, “_adjective_.” It’s currently the #1 best seller in non-fiction.
After getting discovered at _place_, I was a contestant on a reality dating show where my desirability completely ruined the season. In the very first round, I was given all 25 roses, 7 proposals from show producers, and 1 _adjective_ key to the city… I later learned it opens the local mayor’s bedroom.
I’m not a sucker for romance. I simply spotted a lucrative hole in the online dating market and started [user first name]slist for _adjective_ relationships between people who like to _verb_ while scuba diving. The billions it’s made me are nice, but I now mostly do it for the underwater galas…
On a recent trip, I learned that if I _verb_ as the setting sun reflects off the water onto my eyes, it’s an irresistible aphrodisiac to the locals. So much so that their government regulates it under “[user first name]’s Law of Attraction.”
I thought I’d never run into any romance issues after mastering how to _verb_ while tickling the ivories. But on a recent interstellar expedition, the language barrier was _adjective_. Good thing Dos Equis automatically translates Gordspergerk when spoken into its bottles…
I wasn’t looking for a new job, but things got interesante when I left _place_ and my taxi driver turned out to be a famous method actor researching a new role. I’m now the chief _adjective_ officer of planet Hollywood. Not the restaurant…
Last Friday started out _adjective_ at _place_, but then things got interesante and my name became a Google-like verb. To [User First Name] now means to _verb_ like nobody’s watching, even though all of Okazaki, Japan is most definitely watching…
Instead of deciding where to _verb_ last weekend, I simply did it everywhere. Let’s just say my location ping from _place_ started a bidding war among Uber drivers and my passenger rating isn’t numerical. It’s the astronaut emoji…
I went dancing after I left _place_ last weekend, but something I yelled over the music about _verb-ing_ ended up winning the grand jury prize in narrative shorts at Sundance… Now I have to go talk on a bunch of boring panels.
Things got interesante when I went to _place_ and met another [user first name] and then another [user first name] and then another [user first name]… culminating in the formation of our group, The Bad [user first name]s. Pitchfork describes our sound as abrasive, yet _adjective_.
When I was _verb-ing_ last week, I had an epiphany about BBQ and figured out how to settle the vinegar vs. tomato-based sauce wars with a concoction that can only be described as _adjective_ and weep-worthy. Now I’m pitmaster for the united state of Texolinassouri.
I recently learned that if you ask for chips and salsa at _place_, it’s code for tortillas and underground competitive ballroom dancing. After my performance destroyed the competition, The Big Dipper is now known as The _adjective_ [user first name] Dipper.
Last time I went out, I discovered that drinking Dos Equis gets you extra guacamole everywhere you go. It started out _adjective_ at _place_, but hang gliding with that much guac completely ruined the lift-to-drag ratio…
I was having a nice dinner at an Italian restaurant, but when I described the meatballs as “_adjective_!” the chef heard “cavolo!”, setting up a duel at _place_ with his soprano daughter. Luckily, Dos Equis is the only beer that pairs wirelessly with headphones and is the only ringing rim that can shatter an opera singer.
I recently discovered that if you plant a bottle of Dos Equis near _place_, a taco tree will grow. Locals called it a/n “_adjective_ miracle!” and keep asking me to rid the ghosts from their monster trucks…
After tying with my arch nemesis for the gold in ice dancing at Pyeongchang, we settled on a winner by seeing who could _verb_ the best at _place_. It brought tears to everyone’s eyes. The _adjective_ kind of tears…
I was going to watch the game at _place_, but Dan Marino invited me to the Dan Cave where he controls the “real” game with his video game, Marino ’18. It was pretty sweet until he had to play out an _adjective_ end zone celebration and took forever with the choreography…
I went to a watch party last week at _place_, but instead of watching the game, everyone just watched me demonstrate how to _verb_ with the artistry of a pro athlete. It’s now known as a sport called _adjective_[User First Name] and regularly played in Finland.
Things got interesante when bookies at _place_ overheard my _adjective_ predictions for the big game last week and started tapping my phones. The official Vegas odds are now just whatever I text my friend Steve.
I don’t usually reveal secrets, but after a dance move was mistaken as a/n _adjective_ insult to Dan Marino, I made peace by showing him how to _verb_ like a/n [User First Name]. Now I’m starting right tackle for the Miami Marinos…
*only have rights to Dan Marino and Lou Ferrigno
Everyone at _place_ was investing in the blockchain behind cryptocurrencies, so I advised investing in the _adjectivebork behind blockchain. I’d do it too, but fair-competition regulators have barred my intellect from business…
After seeing all the hype things get for being “first” at something, I made Firstr, which makes all firsts first. It came about by mastering how to _verb_ with a/n _adjective_ disregard for the space-time continuum…
They say you can’t “win” the internet, but they’ve never mastered _verb-ing_ online in a way that Russian hackers call “_adjective_” and “completely unhackable.” Internet Overlord is a nice title, but clearing my inbox would now take me 6 billion lifetimes…
Last Saturday was a normal night out until I left _place_ and ended up in a/n _adjective_ dance off with a dead musician’s hologram. Bootleg audio from our foot duel titled “_verb-ing_” went platinum in Bolivia overnight.
When I was bored at _place_, I learned so much about cryptocurrency on YouTube that I created [User First Name]coin, valued for its breakthrough, _adjective_ properties. It’s officially replaced the Krona and now I own Sweden. Unofficially…
CINCO DE MAYO STORIES
Cinco de Mayo isn’t a federal holiday, but I discovered banks close if you leave a six pack of Dos Equis outside their front doors. After a/n _adjective_ night _verb-ing_ with the bankers, I got hired at the federal reserve in charge of turning interest rates into interesante rates…
Things got interesante at _place_ where I discovered the Battle of Cinco de Mayo reoccurring without rifles and machetes, but with tacos and hot sauce… In honor of my _adjective_ heroics, the Scoville heat scale is now the [user first name] heat scale.
For Cinco de Mayo, I’m Cinco de _verb-ing_ with Aztec Gods who know how to party. Things really got interesante when they started inventing new forms of fire for giggles… Silly fire was fun, but _adjective_ fire got out of hand.
Things got interesante when I left _place_ and exploited a glitch in the Mayan Calendar making my days permanently Cinco de Mayo. Sure, daily _verb-ing_ during the Battle of Puebla isn’t the healthiest, but racing Aztec Gods up the steps of Mayan ruins every morning has done wonders for my calves…
Cinco de Mayo got interesante when I sacrificed a case of Dos Equis to a dehydrated Volcano and got invited to a lava gala. It was fun _verb-ing_ to the beat of the molten mix, but started to get old when they kept yelling, “We’re having a blast!” Volcano parties are _adjective_ parties…
I also wrote the social media guidelines and engagements for the latest Dos Equis campaign — a bazillion “facts” about Dos Equis as it moved from embellishing a character (The Most Interesting Man) to embellishing the Brand itself:
Dos Equis is water, malted barley, and 100% pure Bossa Nova.
Dos Equis bottle symmetry established the preference towards symmetric aesthetic traits in judgements of human beauty.
Taco Tuesday was originally going to be Turnip Tuesday until Dos Equis intervened.
Dos Equis expires after 180 days and then it becomes helicopter engine fuel.
Your very first sip is perfectly calibrated to taste exactly like your first kiss.
Dos Equis inspired Dan Marino to stop messing around with Russian ballet and start playing football.
A brain freeze from a cold Dos Equis was what caused the Hindenburg Disaster.
Dos Equis is the 2nd leading cause of friendship worldwide behind jet skis.
“If you love Dos Equis so much, why don’t you marry it?” was commonly said in the 14th century until global populations dwindled to the point of human extinction and Dos Equis marriages were outlawed.
If you press a Dos Equis bottle against any printed word for 25 seconds, it will glow in the dark.
Dos Equis is the only beer that rewards loyalty with a lifetime of free haircuts redeemable at any local barber shop. Just ask for “The Dos Equis.”
A lack of a Dos Equis craving is why computers fail the Turing test.
Dos Equis is the only beer that turns lemons into lemonsubmarines.
If your Dos Equis has a shadow while out in nature, you get 6 more weeks of vacation days.
Dos Equis was at one end of the discovery that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
Tasting Dos Equis inspires ghosts to stop haunting a home.
Dos Equis beers are not gluten-free, but they are Dan Marino-free.
Once you drink Dos Equis, no other beers can be distributed in your zip code or along parade routes within 500 miles.
Dos Equis is the taste that inspired ancient architects to add hot tubs to buildings.
Every bottle of Dos Equis is trained by your local improv theater.
Dos Equis comes in all shapes and sizes of bottles and cans and is well known as the muse of modern geometry.
The sound of 2 Dos Equis bottles clinking together is irresistible to bears as it’s indistinguishable from their mating call.
Dos Equis beer used to be completely indestructable, but fair-competition regulators forced us to make it self-destruct after 180 days.
If you put your ear up to a Dos Equis bottle on the beach, you can hear mariachi music.
Dos Equis cans are available nationwide after being assembled from out-of-commission monster trucks.
Dos Equis is the #1 leading cause of people breaking out into song according to the last census.
Under maritime law, saying “Jinx” before someone else drinking Dos Equis at the same time means they have to give you their spot on the lifeboat.